Didn’t think I’d be here today, but grateful that I am

I’m 23 years old and didn’t think I’d be here today. But I am, and I’m eternally grateful for that.

I’ve just moved in with my boyfriend, started a new job and finally my life’s on the right track.

My closest relations are boyfriend, mom, grandma and a couple of friends.

My greatest challenge is without doubt to rebuild my self-confidence and trust after having been totally broken down by my former boyfriend’s incessant mental abuse and also by being severely let down by friends that I never thought would cause me any harm.

It all started one summer evening at the end of July 2015 when me and my best friend slipped out of her parents place and snuck away to a party. As soon as I entered the party my gaze was totally zoomed in on this really hot blond guy that stood at the other side of the room. It didn’t take long before we were outside smoking and talking when we suddenly got into our first kiss. I’d just turned 18, and this guy was the real deal. Super handsome, charming and witty. At least, that was my first impression. After that night, we started hanging out more and more and after a another party we slept together and I was stuck for the three years that followed. Three years of mental abuse, drugs and betrayal.

That I didn’t see any warning signs early on is beyond my comprehension. But I was so into him and so stupid. He didn’t want us to party at the same place, even though he didn’t say it straight out at first he could seem distracted and insecure when I said I’d go to the same party! This turned out to be because he liked to be with other girls when he partied. But I was stuck in a bubble of happiness, defending him when my friends said they’d heard that he kissed someone else. Because I knew he would not do it.

We got into trouble pretty fast when we partied together, and to avoid this I often choose to stay home sober, while he was still out late at night. Once he accidentally called me, while he was in bed with someone else. But gullible as I was, I bought his explanation when I confronted him the next day.

But then came the day that gave me a fat slap in the face. It must have been in the middle of November, about 3-4 months after we started seeing each other. At this time, Ask.fm (a website where you can ask anonymous questions) was popular. I received a notification that I’d been asked a new question while I was sitting in his bed that read: “you know that your boyfriend had sex with his ex at the party? I saw them behind the house. Why do people want to destroy things between us? It was the only thing I could think of and I read the question to him and laughed, he refused and I came up with an answer that described how I trust him and that this has not happened. An hour later I received a text message from a number I’d not entered, it was from his ex. She attached the conversation they’d had after the party, about how they’d indeed had sex that night. His response to this? She’s crazy, she wrote that to herself. Yeah, right.

Cried like a baby for a couple of hours while I said I didn’t want to leave him, that we’d get through this, and all he said was that he didn’t want to deal with me and that I should leave him.

After this everything escalated, I was still sober at home every other weekend and he was out partying. Frequently, he came home early in the morning following the same pattern: Ridiculing me, calling me a disgusting whore, saying he just couldn’t understand how he could’ve had sex with me considering how many I’d slept with before, messed up most of the room and punched the wall until he bled.

I tried to make partying and going out together work, but it only deteriorated. It always ended with me sitting and sobbing after he either humiliated me or as the fantastic time when he, with a smile on his face, said “Of course I had to sleep with her. You’re nothing to have ”.

After our first New Year together, I gave up completely. He accused me of sleeping with someone outdoors (who actually was the father of a family that saw me crying on the street) and got so angry that he aggressively started pushing me around until his friends stepped in and got him off me. I was drained of energy, so tired of feeling like this.

2016 came and nothing got better. I developed panic disorder & started harming myself, but still managed to graduate from high-school. He neither came to the prom nor my graduation. I wasn’t surprised, but totally overwhelmed.

Spring came and my worst nightmare took place. He was going on a vacay with his best friend. I barely heard from him all week, he behaved coyly when he got home, saying nothing had happened. I was told that during a day party he hung out with about 10 girls, and I don’t wanna know what happened the rest of the week. The days went by, and then I went on a vacation myself. Wanted a family vacation and even brought a friend along. He went ballistic, “You don’t go on vacation if you have a boyfriend!!” Very logical considering that he was away only a few months earlier. He said he wanted to dump me, but never did.

This is how things progressed. He insulted me and frequently told me what a horrible person I was. That I was ugly, fat and didn’t deserve to live. By early 2017. I’d finally had enough. I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I couldn’t take it anymore. We still didn’t break up, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I went on a cruise with my best friend, which made him totally furious. I wasn’t in love anymore but too much of a coward to break up, since I knew he wouldn’t let me do it.

I was unfaithful, kissed someone else. The anxiety this gave me was UNREAL and I had to tell him the next day. I hoped this would make him leave me, but it didn’t. But our relationship only got worse. In the end, I really couldn’t take it anymore, and I broke up. But, it didn’t last and we repeatedly got back to each other, until the spring of 2019.

How it changed

Today I live in a new relationship. I’m happy. I’m treated with respect, as one should be in a relationship, and my boyfriend would never hurt me. He knows about my history, and is supportive and understanding. I still have serious problems after the abusive relationship I was in, but I work on myself and am improving.

This text only gives you a fraction of the horror, it would have taken an eternity otherwise, and I honestly haven’t been a saint myself either. But in the end, when you’re subject to such pain by someone you love, boundaries are broken and you become indifferent, insensitive, and do stupid things without considering the consequences.

Me today

My ex and I have nothing to say to each other today. He’s also got a new relationship, they seem happy, and I really hope he treats her well, although I doubt it, why would he suddenly change? I sought help from my friends and family. Made sure to keep busy and tried to get into a more positive state of mind. Now, that I’ve just moved in with my new boyfriend I’m happier than ever, even though I’m still recovering from depression and have to cope with anxiety. But I feel good, and I try to improve at my own pace. I feel that I want to help others that have been in similar situations, just by listening and offering my support, as well as giving feedback and thoughts based on my own experience of this very difficult, and probably common, topic.